this life. at the same time I am literally nothing, I am also completely everything.

I'll never be able to articulate it, but I now understand matter. And the oneness of the universe as our existence way beyond 'beings' but as one with the actual matter that we, us, this universe is created as. As a small grain of sand or dust of the dirt, I am connected to all that is created. I lost my reality, I lost my mind: but I found myself amongst something so much more profound than mankind, than space or the concept of an individual. I was part of the wind. Part of the earth. God's creation. I became whole amongst nothing. Amongst a complete part of everything. Yet I never lifted my head from the sandy beach. Once I stepped back, opened my eyes from what was not a dream, I stepped forward with no worry or pain. I was free from my insecurities, from my suffering. I was now able to continue forward in this life, existing in an understanding of a human being knowing my purpose for my short time here on earth.

As I walk down the street, preparing to meet my future.

So I've gotten older. Not much has changed. i've gotten more humble. I've realized I fucked up a lot. Made some mistakes. But I guess that's the difference of me being older: I now know how to become a better person. What it takes to grow. There's more to it than simply living and therefore you grow. It's humility. I have a long way to go, and I will never get there. But am constantly achieving. I request and require patience. I demand respect and love. I'm sensitive and emotional and do not have all the answers. I need attention but don't know how to ask for it. I have a strong opinion but am often afraid of being heard. Today I know that I matter. I believe that I am worthy. But tomorrow, there's a good chance I'll have doubts. Strength in numbers? Strength in admitting. Admitting is acceptance. Acceptance is painful. Poetry is truth. I get timid and afraid when people read my poetry. But I know it usually makes them smile. I am currently walking forward.

God teaches us lessons when we need them the most.

It's like a cloud has floated above me, and time begins to stand still.
I stand from my seat, a frail metal chair with wires for a back rest.
I gaze up towards the dark cloud as it begins to rain.
I find joy in the rain.
And sit back down on my thrown, waiting in the joy.

a love poem.

Roses are, well, roses. And I adore you.

freedom, ruffle, spit n fire.
unbalanced, spun, dance the wire.
chase and catch, movin about.
haste n hustle, shoot the spout.
stock for fortune, pride n lust.
no room the player, careless bust.
time proven, a magicians game.
subconscious intention, continuous fame.

the smell of old cigaret smoke lingers around.
i'm casted out, on full release.
bobbing in the water, the surface is calm and clean.
sitting in an old wooden chair, the arms are covered in maroon velvet. and there's an empty fireplace in the corner.
i sit with my feet up, relaxed yet not reclining.
this was once an important room. i can feel it. it's in the air.
the bobber bobs, tension increased.
distracted by the unseen movement below.
i'm no longer sitting straight up, hunch to my knees, and casual.
there is worry on my brow. but i'm smiling.
sitting back, i slowly sip my whiskey.
everything is going to be okay.

'You're a dreamer. Dreamers are often misunderstood.'

A race horse, a pace horse, I hear the crickets scream. To the finish line I race, I've won before I started, I beam. Strolling amongst the silence, my voice cracks the air. I'm alone on the track, no one to collect my fare. It's peaceful and pleasant, a mild and warm night. A bird chirps, says goodnight to the world, jumps, and takes flight. I run round the track, making the turn. My goal, the finish line, forever I yearn. She says I know you a little, but I know horses well. I ask, do you trust them, and do they treat you just as well? The bird yells, calls to its mate. I will sing forever, no worries the wait. This is my tree, the only one around. Constantly waiting, singing my sound. So loud, yet gracious, full of confidence and beauty. I hear you in the distance, calling ever so smoothly. I receive a stranger in the night, my own personal guardian. She walks with me silently, influencing, and wanderin. Friendly and trusting, leading my way. Each step I take, closer to another day. Closer to you, closer to that smile. Consuming at best, makes me forget the mile. I want to share this peace, this silence, this morning. Maybe one day I'll hold you, we slowly keep forming. Ers, is, I'm lost, and not yet found. Unconsciously walking, hovering above the ground. She says I'd follow you home, she says it with her eyes. Each time she speaks, she laughs, and heaven sighs. Eventually the world will stop turning, and all of our questions will be answered. But for the moments sake, I think you're pretty and quite the dancer. You make me smile, full of overwhelming joy. I feel it down to my ankles, this isn't a ploy. I'm at home already, the walk what a breeze. Each time you call me, we talk, oh what a tease. For the real thing to come, one day, possibly. Enjoy yourself over there, it will come suddenly. I'm ready today, don't want it to end. Goodnight I'll say now, my heart I continue to lend.

'I wish you were an abandoned wall, and I was the graffiti'

Infatuations with false ideals. Unintentionally filling voids. I skip alone through the misty night spilling my emotions to the stars. The fresh smell of rain and the empty streets, fuels my intoxication. I am wandering for you, drifting about, twirling beneath an understanding. Clarity hits, wrapped in a bow, as the words pour from my being. I've begun my process of waiting. For it seems as though, safe as a dream, my future my pride, will be mutually whole. Not to be held, replaced or refilled, but effortlessly easy. You've taught me this love, perfectly imperfect, when I wasn't even searching. Floating about, helpless and abandoned, a ship comes sailing by. Organic and pure, subconsciously secure, I know I am safe in your bounty. Each time that I'm held, guided and pulled, it's your love that surrounds me. Through passion and pain, pleasure inflamed, I am all around you. To pick it apart, there's truth in my heart, my world has consumed you. Still wandering about, but this time in the warmth of the misty morning. Your hand in mine, content and overly happy. I move forward no longer guessing. My confidence in this removes my natural sense of worry, and I am excited for the moments to come. For the graffiti finds the abandoned wall, and paints a picture of glory.

Victimized, truth in lies, I am no other, personally scrutinized.
Victimized, before my eyes, cognitively I terrorize.
Victimized, life capsized, through my lens I devise.
Victimized, to my surprise, life in whole catastrophised.
Victimized, personalized, daily done to my demise.

Anxiety driven to insanity.
Struggling frustrated begging for a plea.
Alone in this, simply just me.
Consistently inconsistent, with accountability.

Again and again, bouncing of the wall.
Each time present, not enjoying the fall.
Growth through power, forever so tall.
Practice proven, faster and faster to a crawl.

Always understood, yet sometimes forgotten.
Troubling pain, feeling quite rotten.
Plan devised, carefully plottin.
One day at a time, working towards stoppin.

Trying and trying, keep that smile.
Force it even, pull the file.
Laying beneath, heavy the pile.
Long road, single steps to a mile.

Routine today, feeling quite robust.
Confidence driven, simply just trust.
Pain and pleasure, facadely lust.
Positive reward, balance is a must.

Music played, calm and numb.
Strings of life, pulled and strum.
Continuously beat, worn out drum.
Days go by, false hoped fun.

inhibitionly drained. sexually debunked and framed. broken from the leash, restrained. this world a power hungry drain. religiously blame. folks reach for the starts yet become a stain. progressively easier to complain.

Grandma's Poem.

Petal to a rose, tear to an eye.
Today is beautiful, for you and I.
Physical flesh, here I'm not.
Growth through sadness, painfully taught.
I'm with you always, I am never gone.
Forever the anchor, emotionally strong.
Quality driven, pridefully boast.
Fullest life lived, completed with a toast.
My teacher my guide, the strongest of love.
Forever I'm with you, watching from above.
You're never alone, with you I fly.
Always smiling, even when you cry.
The memories run deep, true and real.
I feared this time, the pain you'd feel.
My biggest gift, that I left behind.
No need to look, search or find.
The love in the family, it's always been there.
Your job continues, to promote and share.
Show the world, wrap it in a bow.
Plant the seed, water watch and grow.
The love is pure, special and warm.
Bees around a hive, my family I'll swarm.
Feel my love, it's with you now.
Complete and honest, I'll show you how.
Good morning I'll say, never goodbye.
Today is beautiful, for you and I.

today is a moment for change. this change is not just a moment. presently distressed in the moment. My moment is present for change. it comes deep from within, lurking beneath the surface. it's jumbled though. 52 card pick up. disheveled and unclear. all with an intention and very simple order. they can be placed. i am the magician playing the trick. the only one in control.

Thank you for the wonderful times, pleasantly pushed, inspired rhymes.
I enjoyed myself like none before, I promise you, pleasure and more.
Tonight was fun, a true man's fame, lust experienced, no tigers tamed.
For I for you for me for us, come now, blister and lust.
Another time will come sooner than later, this is true, proven the maker.